April 17, 2012
-
My Life After Death
We all lose people we love to death, theirs or our own. It is not only our grandparents and parents, but it can be our siblings, friends, children or spouses. We all look at the world a little differently after death. The death of our loved ones shapes who we become, whether we like it or not.
When my daughter was in the hospital and going through treatments we received wonderful care and support not only from the hospital social workers, but from other organizations such as Children’s Miracle Network, The Ronald McDonald House, and Make-A-Wish. They all offered support to the family and the child, and many of their materials presented to us were centered around treatment, how to adjust to illnesses and how to care for sick children. They supported my healthy children with educational material about cancer, about their sister losing her hair and getting special attention. Of all the material presented, none of it helped to prepare any of us for death.
I remember when we were going through her bone marrow transplant in Minneapolis. We came in with several other families. We became familiar pillars of support and relief for the other parents and families and felt a kinship with them that we didn’t have with anyone else in the world. Nobody else could understand, empathize or relate unless they were also going through it. As the treatments went on, we watched the children of our friends die. Same illness, same treatment, and they died in front of us. I was horrified and felt terror, sympathy and relief all at once. We all knew the odds beginning the treatment, but somehow never thought it would be anyone of us – anyone from our group that lost a child. After the children died, the parents disappeared.
It wasn’t until the inevitable day came when my own daughter lost her fight with cancer that I received any material or information about how to deal with the loss of a child. I went to the hospital that morning with a child in my arms and left with a backpack full of grief material that was never read. I understand why they didn’t want to talk about how to handle her death if it came. As long as I believed 100 percent that she could beat cancer, she believed it, too. The power of belief is a strong one, I agree. Sometimes it isn’t enough, though.
When she died I had information about burial services, grief counseling and suicide prevention. I had no problems selecting her burial plot, her funeral music and dress, the sandwiches and punch served later. But I didn’t know how to live. I didn’t even know I was supposed to. I believed that when she died, I did too. The remainder of my life would be spent waiting for my own death to relieve me of my pain. I felt horribly ashamed and guilty if I let my mind drift to the future without her, if I planned my life or what and who I wanted to be after her death. For this reason I just didn’t. I know my surviving daughters felt similar at first, too. They couldn’t even plan a sleep over with their friends or go to the roller rink without shame. They believed they should wait out their lives, too. It didn’t last as long for them because they were young, but I didn’t know how to support them or help them grow when I was caught up in so much grief myself.
So sorry about the quality of these photos, they are the only digital copies I have.
I am going to write about her journey, my journey, her sisters’ journey. I am going to collect them into a single book and offer it to hospitals, oncology clinics, Children’s Miracle Network. I believe families need to know that there is indeed life after death, at least for the living. It’s been ten years now, and I feel I owe this to her. I just wonder how to present it. I wouldn’t have wanted to read about this while she was ill, I would have felt like preparing for her death was giving up on her. But by not preparing, I was neglecting myself and my other children. This is the question that is keeping me awake tonight, I can’t seem to move forward with this until I know.
If it were you, would you want to prepare for your loved one’s death before they died?
Comments (112)
Good Luck with the book. It’s sounds like you need to write this. Anytime you write with your heart, it aint going to suck. I tend not worry about death. It’s something I can’t control. I never had children and I can’t even begin to imagin what you went through…
@Zoz36 - Thank you.
I would want material to help prepare. I don’t think anyone is ever truly prepared but something is better than nothing.
@C_L_O_G - Thank you, I am leaning the same way.
I am so deeply sorry to learn of your loss. Thats a very hard one to decide, I am not sure what I would want. Take care, love D xXx
i’m crying my eyes out here. if it’s calling you, you’re meant to do it. if it helps one person get through a tough time, it’s worth it. platitude queen. cancer sucks.
I cannot fathom your pain, Christina, and I honestly can’t answer your question. Words and my tears cannot express how deeply sorry I am for your loss.
I don’t think there’s a good way to prepare for death. My grandmother was diagnosed with Lou Gherig’s disease in 2002, she went home in January of 2004. The only things I really knew were what I read in the sterile clinical explanation of how the disease would progress. That was all the preperation I had, my parents weren’t telling me anything. We didn’t really prepare before she went. Looking back, I don’t think preparing would have been any better. It still hurts the same.
@dreamgirlrainbows - Thank you
@promisesunshine - Thank you. I am sorry I was so detailed and threw in pictures, it was a rough night. I have been working on this and last night it all rushed me and I had to spew it here.
@Kellsbella - Thank you. I am going to edit it and remove some of my angry and sad from the post so it is easier to read and answer. I genuinely am stuck writing this, because I always need to know where I am going and why I am writing before I can write. In the process of doing this, the ugly bad feelings come to the surface again. In the wee hours of the morning it seemed like a good idea to dump them here. Things become clearer when the sun comes up
Very sad Christina. But as you had asked, I think if you write and prepare other people who may be in the same predicament as you would be good. It is good for them to know, what if she/he dies, how do you move on… etc. Your life experience would be something someoneelse would learn from. I don’t know Christina, this is how I see it.
@Thatslifekid - I am sorry for your grandmother. I know exactly what you mean by the clinical explanations, I am sure they didn’t offer your parents anything different. I am a preparing fool, and I hate being caught unaware and how to handle things – and even I don’t know if it would have helped.
@BoulderChristina - don’t you dare apologize for that. i can’t even fathom your pain. hope today is better and that your purpose helps you continue to heal and that you get a good night’s sleep tonight. lots of hugs. shorty.
“But I didn’t know how to live. I didn’t even know I was supposed to. I believed that when she died, I did too.” I was so touched by these words and by your last paragraph. I have a friend who has worked in a Wellness Community for years but was recently “let go” because I think her superior thought she was getting too old. The Wellness Community (they have changed names recently) might be interested in your book. My sister had four daughters and the youngest died of lung cancer. I know my sister misses her daughter so much. There is something unfair about a parent having to bury a child. We have a friend who has written a book called the Long and Short of It: A tale about hair. The book does not deal with death but with the process of chemo treatments and hair loss. The book has an American Cancer endorsement. But enough about those topics, it seems I am off the subject as I’m sure is something you know a lot about. People, like me, deflect talking to someone who has to deal with grief. I hope you write the book and I would be glad to help in anyway you think I could. I think this post is a good start to what you want to write and if you write direct and from your own experience I think it would be very useful to others dealing with grief. http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/ The cancer support community used to be a very caring place but i don’t know if it has changed. It seems to be more of a corporation venture than it was originally. I mention it because they might like to endorse what you write at some point down the line. I am a lucky cancer survivor, (at least for now) and I found the wellness community very helpful to me when I had prostate cancer. Well, again I am rambling when what I would really like to do is give you a hug and say DO IT. Your writing will be helpful… DO IT.
@angys_coco - Thank you, that is why I started doing this, because that is what I thought, too. But I am not completely sure, and it is making it hard for me to organize my thoughts to write it out. I apologize for the tone of my post, I am going to edit it slightly to make it less angry and hurtful now that I have had some rest.
@BoulderChristina - I don’t think you need to edit. I was referring to the question at the end of your post. “If it were you, would you want to prepare for your loved one’s death before they died?” I cannot know in my heart the answer to this question. As for the question of your book, I think it would be very beneficial because it is far more personal than a pamphlet thrown to you from a clinic or hospital.
I cried when I read this… I know the pain of losing a loved one. One that is close to you. My Dad died a year ago. It was shocking. I was ready for that. He was the rock in our family. My mom’s soul mate. He left us & I was angry, depressed, sad & lost…It was tough. The funeral, the visiting of everyone. Its hard. I can’t imagine losing a child.
*****HUGS*****
I think a book would help a lot of people!
I ended up talking with 2 girls older then I am that had also lost their dad’s. They comforted me. I also had one good friend that lost her Dad when she was 7. We still talk about it. I tell her that I now know what she was going through. I understand why Father’s Day was hard for her. Why holidays sometimes sucked.
A book would help so many families!
@BoulderChristina - Basically what I did was go online and look up anything and everything I could find about the disease. The symptoms, the progression, etc. so I was “prepared”.
@BoulderChristina - Christina I understand what you are going through. I mean I haven’t gone through your experience, but having suffered from Depression, I can understand. What i wanted to say is that, that is why I write about what I go through when I suffer from depression. I know there are lot of angry thoughts I have, but I try to minimize it and write so that, someone out there will get help. It may not be for the meek hearted.
Try to write down what you want to say, and all the experience, what you went through. That’s a start.
@vexations - Thank you for all of this, I didn’t know you were a cancer survivor? You will have to tell me about that someday. As I get closer to the end of this I will contact you about that organization. I am going to bookmark the page you sent, I think it will be really helpful and a less vulnerable place to dump my grief than on you fine folks
I can’t believe they let your friend go because of her age. People don’t understand the value of experience anymore and it is a loss for all of us who need it. The Long and Short of It - I wonder if I read that? I may have to dig through her old stuff, but I remember a book dedicated all to her hair, or lack thereof!You are a terrific friend, thanks so much.
@Kellsbella - I understand, I was just a little embarrassed by all the seething in my post! I edited a little, but not too much. I remember someone bought me “The Little Red Shoes”, which is a book about a family who lost their daughter to cancer. It was personal, real, and it did help because it proved I wasn’t alone. It didn’t talk much about how to move on, but I know I felt all the anguish the mother felt as she put those words on paper and I felt like I had someone who knew me. I do think it will help people, I just need to muster up the balls to finish it.
@karoline1982 - I’m so sorry about your dad
I am glad you knew others that had the same loss so you could support each other. Even if you didn’t talk about it, just knowing they understood and went through it as well had to be a huge relief. I also understand about the holidays – the holidays every year since she passed has been a reminder that she is absent.
@angys_coco - Thank you. I have been digging through old journals from immediately after she died, too., to get a start of things. Maybe I shouldn’t be so concerned with the message and organization and just get the story out. I can shape and refine it later.
hey woman. i can’t even fathom the grief that must overwhelm you at times. but you know what – it’s your right – it’s a wonderful thing to have these emotions – to have had that part of your life, as painful and traumatic as it is/was – it’s made you who you are. we have close friends whose son has had cancer twice (18 mos. and 6 years, fortunately survived both accounts) i lost a cousin to cancer – her father, my dad’s brother, is who i am named after. he’s my uncle mike – and as the gatorade commerlcial’s espoused – i always wanted to ‘be like mike.’ he’s always the guy who made people laugh, who had the quickest wit, who everyone looked to disarm any family tensions that arouse – he had too. but the pain and anguish is forever etched on his face and deep, deep in his heart – and it made him who he is. i try hard to ‘be like mike’ – but the loss of a child, i don’t know that i’d have an answer for that, and elvis willing, i hope i never do.
but you should always do the things that help you move forward, and it sounds like a wonderful way to help other families prepare for the hardest and most difficult days of their lives. and only someone who’s been there, can begin to help weave the fabric of tattered lives back together.
best wishes bc. hold your head high – and rock on… a little diddy to help…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5woFxnekqo8&ob=av2e
You might try connecting with the other parents who lost children and get their perspectives on how to present it. I do think it is a difficult situation. Possibly unpresentable in the way you imagine. (That is, for parents and siblings of children with illnesses.) Perhaps the audience is a larger audience (we all deal with death). I read a book in High School (“Death Be Not Proud”) which had a profound effect on me even though no one was dying in my immediate circle at the time.
How I know the feeling of sudden loss. One day my fiancee was walking around the block with me. The next day she was lost to cancer. And the birds continued chirping, and traffic lights continued changing. It is a good thing to remember her.
@we_deny_everything - The sun just keeps coming up as if the world doesn’t realize the great loss it suffered. I know you can relate to me, and I appreciate it.
@RushmoreJ - That is a great idea, but I have found parents disappear after they lose children. I signed up for a support group at the hospital and both times I went I was the only one there. I don’t know why it is better to nurse our wounds in private, but I was incapable of talking about it at all for years.
You may be right about my audience, and that is part of what is troubling me. I can only write with intent, and if I can’t determine my audience I struggle with the message. I read that book, too. I never forgot it.Thank you for your kind words and support.
I really can’t even fathom the idea, I can’t even force myself to think, just reading this lines was probably more than I can bear. You’re such a strong woman and I imagine it’s just ebcause you have to be. Life (they say in my country) never gives you more that you can endure…I really doubt it.
As you know I’m the one in charge of death matter in my family, not because I’m strong but because I’m compassionate and extremely sensitive, so far only our elders have departed and I’m sure I couldn’t endure the lost of one of the lil ones…once I read that losing a child has no name, if you lose a spouse you become a widow, if you lose a parent you become an orphan but there’s no word for when you lose a child because you became nothing…
Also in one of the saddest lines of LotR Theoden says “Simbelmyne. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. Alas, that these evil days should be mine. The young perish and the old linger. That I should live to see that last days of my house…No parent should have to bury their child.”
I guess there’s no much around to support parents going trough this cuz no one has been able to do it so all we got are sorrowful lines in literature…I hope your book would bring comfort and guidance to those in the need. I know that if it was me, I’d be in great need of knowing. Best of lucks in your effort Christina!
@xplorrn - What a sweet song, thank you! I can see how much you are like your uncle Mike, minus the pain that he carries. I hope to Elvis you don’t ever have to know, either. Most of the time I am nothing but grateful for her life, regardless of how short it was. You are right, she is what made me – me. But trying to write it is like reliving it and I am at a loss as to how to manage all the junk that is coming. I can’t remember the last time I was awake until 4am
You are one hell of a guy, thanks so much for your support.
@xXxlovelylollipop - You are such a sweetheart, thank you. I do know you are the caretaker of your family. They selected you well, your empathy and compassion shines through in all you do.
“losing a child has no name, if you lose a spouse you become a widow, if you lose a parent you become an orphan but there’s no word for when you lose a child because you became nothing…” This is exactly right. You become nothing and guilt and grief holds you back from trying to become something new. I don’t have the gift of words that so many authors do, but I have a great story to share. I do hope that reliving this and putting it on paper will help someone else.Thank you again.
This made me cry. I can’t even imagine. However, if I had to deal with it, I would want to prepare myself. I wouldn’t see it as giving up, I would see it as being realistic. I would prepare the worse and hope for the best.
@Erika_Steele - Thank you! Part of me wanted to prepare, too. I guess if it was available to people, they would have the choice whether or not to read it.
This sounds like a most valuable project, both for you and for the thousands of other parents in the same situation. Please don’t edit this post (if you haven’t already) — it’s good for the rest of us to see the anger and pain!
my heart grew heavier and heavier while i read this. some blogs are light and others are heavy. The C word makes me cringe. my brother in law is a survivor! my grandpas were not.
you know honestly i cant even answer your question about preparing. and another thing is i’m so glad to read about the ronald mcdonald house. everytime i’m in mcdonalds i put my money in their collections boxes!
love you girl!
yes, I would want material.
look at her smile! she’s so beautiful.
I’m sorry, I can’t write any more. I just sitting here, crying.
@plantinthewindow - You are the sweetest man ever. Thank you for your support and friendship.
@the_fur_pimp - Sorry about the heavy, tomorrow will be lighter! Sorry about your grandfathers
Thank you for supporting the Ronald McDonald house! I lived there for almost 6 months and can’t imagine what I would have done without it.
Let’s go fishing,
@slmret - Thank you
I think it is going to be a tough project, but one I need to do!
I am so sorry. That must have been the most devastating pain a human can endure. I can’t even imagine it.
There will always be those who consider even a flash of thought about life after the ordeal without the loved one to be an unforgivable betrayal, in a speak of the devil sort of way. I don’t know if there is a combination of words on paper that can reach those who have blind faith in blind faith, but I believe that if there’s one who can find those words it’s quite likely you.
I would like to believe that were I in that position I would want to prepare for the worst so that I could continue to meet the needs of those who depend upon me. When I was the custodial parent going through a horrendous divorce, someone who’d been there and cared about us explained it succinctly: During the pre-flight presentation they instruct you that in the event of a loss of cabin pressure you must put your own mask on first because if you lose consciousness those who need your help most won’t get it.
That said, I am pretty sure that if I were faced with the prospect of losing an only child I’d probably find no reason to concern myself with such things and would most likely be very severely fubarred no matter how much sage counsel was pounded into my skull.
I hadn’t seen this when I made the comment on your pulse. My heart goes out to you and yours.
*HUGS*
I’d probably want to spend time with them, gather up items that will help me remember them, maybe have them write down their last thoughts or memories. It’s weird but I was thinking about this last night with my dad, like what I’d do when he goes.
That must have been so hard for you. *hugs*
I think it depends on what it is that happens. In this situation, yes, always better to be prepared. For life in general, I think it’s good to be prepared, but not obsess over it. I mean, there’s no need to live every day as if perfectly healthy people might die. My dad has had Luekemia twice now, having had a bone marrow transplant both times. Our theory was always to take things one day at a time. If today is better then yesterday, awesome, no need to worry about tomorrow. Be prepared, and have an understanding of what could happen, but stay optimistic. I think that’s best. Having a positive attitude, but being realistic. I think that can also help the sick loved one. If they think you have given up, and are just preparing for them to die, they may be less willing to give it a fighting chance.
Your book sounds like an amazing idea. I don’t know how far you’re willing to go with this, but it might be nice to have some sort of support group for families in similar positions. When my dad was sick, there was a “home” where families of cancer paitients could stay for free, and they had programs and discussions and everything to help deal with that sort of thing. (I wish I could remember what it was called, but it was in Boston. I’ll see if I can remember the name for you…)
I’m pretty sure almost no one would want to read about death when a loved one is struggling to live. You just don’t.
I lost a high school friend to cancer in 2006. She was possibly one of the best people I’ve ever met. I’m not saying this now because she’s gone. I could’ve told you that, say, in 1995 when we started college, and I had only known her for 2 years. She was so dear to me. The few times we spoke after her diagnosis (I was living in the US, and she in Puerto Rico), I always had hope. She was so positive, so upbeat…like it was nothing. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have liked to hear talk of coping with her death. Not a fat chance in hell that I would’ve allowed anyone to bring up the subject.
I have to stop. I’m tearing up.
And your story is simply heartbreaking. But, you’ve got to live your life. I don’t think we get any other chances. This is it. You just can’t sit around and wait to die. Hell, I don’t think it honors the deceased in any way. Quite the opposite.
Good luck with your book.
@HappierHeathen - Fubarred indeed. I felt I failed my older girls, but I may have failed her if I had done differently. It’s not an easy answer, thank you.
@ccrider17 - Thank you, and yes, I would tell her that anytime.
@thegirlwiththecamera - Thank you. I would love to know the name of it, I know something like that would have been very helpful. Thanks for your kind words and support.
@Unstoppable_Inner_Strength - Thank you, and I am sorry I brought up such painful memories for you. That was exactly my attitude, I wouldn’t even talk about or indulge in the idea of how I would handle her death even though it always hung around in the back of my mind. Now I wonder if I should have handled it differently.
Just now reading your post, and first off, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child, so any thing I offer at this point is just conjecture. But I would say, yes, I’d want to be prepared. I think that death is a part of life, a part that sucks and I pretty much hate, but there it is. Like every other aspect, maybe the more you know the better you can be prepared. I doubt anything lessens the grief, but maybe being prepared gives you an opportunity to have conversations with that person before they are gone that you wouldn’t make time for otherwise. Opportunities to love and live in a different way while you still can.
I think your book is a wonderful idea.
One other part of this post that I can relate to, when my 3rd child was hospitalized as a newborn for having holes in his lungs, we practically lived at Children’s Hospital. The bond we had with the other parents in the NICU was like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. It really is a specific group of people walking down the same sad road that you are on.
this was so very hard for me to read because of a few things personal. i have lost a very close loved one. and i have a child. i cannot imagine what you went through. i am trying to hold back tears here but losing big time as i type.
i am so very sorry for your loss.
hugs
i cannot answer your question. i am the type who is often in denial
A very moving account.
and what a lovely lovely gorgeous child she was
I think that your book is a wonderful idea but I also want you to know I believe you have found a strength many will never know they have! God never takes away without leaving something behind! We don’t always think it is a fair trade but we also don’t know how God thinks! For those who do not believe in God then they can attribute the same feelings to their universe.I hold you and your family in my prayers!
BlessingsRev.Christopher Whedon…aka Grimm
@bethro78 - About the other parents, exactly. Nobody else knows as intimately or cares as deeply as those who experience it with you.
Thank you about the book. I feel better after my nap, and I have been massaging the outline a little better. I am going to just write it as if it were a story, and then shape it to fit whatever message seems like the right one by the time it’s complete.
@Lovegrove - Thank you, sir.
@bonmots - Thank you so much for your compassion and kind words. Love to you and your family, and I am sorry for your loss.
@GrimRpr000 - Thank you, Chris. I don’t know about strength, it has been ten years and I was still a wreck trying to focus on it last night. I appreciate your encouragement and kind wishes.
I know what I went through was different yet the same in away out of seven pregnancies I have one daughter my twin boys were still born at almost 5 months that was the hardest of all I wish I had had information on grief but I don’t think there was much of that 35 years ago
@SisterMae - I’m so sorry, even if it is different, loss is loss and losing children hurts us more deeply than anything could. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
@SisterMae - awww Mae. I had no idea, but in a way i knew you must have endured a lot to be so caring and comforting, so gracious. ((HUGS and prayers to you))
oh wow, i had no idea what you had suffered. i am so sorry for your deep loss and pain. =/
i love what you are going to do. you will be such a blessing to others because of what you already have been through. bless you!
this particulary moved me >>>>”But I didn’t know how to live. I didn’t even know I was supposed to. I believed that when she died, I did too. The remainder of my life would be spent waiting for my own death to relieve me of my pain.”
i’m so sorry. ((HUGS))
@YouToMe - Thank you for your kind words and your compassion. I do hope writing the story will bring relief to someone, my worry is that it will cause harm. But reading is optional, so nobody has to read it if they don’t want to.
About not knowing how to live, I really didn’t. I hid in my home, alienated my friends and family, and even tasks like going to the grocery store were unbearable. I felt guilty and ashamed if I would forget or let go for even a minute, as if clinging to the hurt was honoring her memory. That is what I want to help other people with. That part they may not have to endure.
Thank you again for always being so supportive and loving.
@BoulderChristina - I think you will certainly help. and you’re very welcome. i only hope i have been. sometimes i don’t think before i type. lol.
i can certainly understand how even those tasks would be so difficult. it had to shatter your and your family’s world. my daughter had only a cancer scare long ago, and it was only for a very short while, so in no way does it even compare — but i can nearly get a glimpse of that from that horrible time, and from losing a man who i felt was the love of my life. it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other. you just feel so numb and lost. living can be drudgery.
so i am glad that you are writing about it. you will empower and encourage a lot of people. you inspire me too. i am inspired to run more and make the most out of life! =)
OK, this is wayyyy too sad and strikes too close to home. I can’t read it. But you are my new hero.
I feel like my heart is ripped out of its moorings. I don’t think I breathed as I continued to read this angonizing and passionate recount of a mother’s emotions. No parent should have to bury his child. I want to hug you, and hold you to my heart Christina.
I pray that you continue to write about the journey of you the mother, and Amber Dawn the daughter, who not only graced your lives, but has touched strangers like me. God’s grace on you and your family.
this is real sad, reading it makes me feel all choked up. I can’t even think about it, tell you the truth, you’re brave.
When the cancer verdict is given sometimes the doctor will give a sort of timeline. I am not sure that you heard a verdict or an opinion but still the fight against cancer was more of a top priority.
Sometimes we think that we are invulnerable but sometimes there are things that are not easy to contemplate. The possibility of death is never something that anyone would wish to contemplate which makes it harder to face when it does happen. I am sorry that it happened and thank you for sharing a bit about it.
Some folks write about their experience and some people dwell quietly upon such things. I suppose grieving can seem like prolonging the experience but unfortunately each person’s grief is different and special.
I think whatever you could offer to another family going through what you went through would be very valuable to them. Like you said, no one else could possibly understand except someone who has been through the same thing.
It’s said that losing one’s child is the most painful thing a person can experience. My deepest sympathies for you and your family.
To answer your question, there will never be a good time to say goodbye to someone you love, but if you have time to prepare, I think it helps help greatly with closure as opposed to losing someone suddenly without warning, leaving people with words and actions left undone and as a result deep regret going forward.
In the interest of holding myself together, I will keep this short…
When I was young (elementary school) a girl I went to school with died from leukemia, I was very young so I didn’t really understand….but I remember telling my mom about it…she cried for a long time…and suddenly she was hugging me so much tighter….and more often than usual.
Now that I have children of my own, and hear your story, I understand. I just want to go to the kids school and hug them both so tight they can’t breathe.
As awful as it is to think about, if I were in that situation….I wouldn’t want to, but I would desperately need to be prepared. I think many parents will see that.
i was about to go to bed which i need to do when i clicked on your post.
you had to believe 100% she would live. think of what you would have been like to her otherwise. you fought with your life for her and with her as she fought for herself with you by her side. never regret that. i will keep this up in my browser and add more tomorrow. i might share my experience in a blog in support. you did absolutely the right thing and so did she, courageously. you don’t have to worry about her.
beautiful photos.
Christina, I am truly sorry for your loss.Your post brought tears and other memories as well. I cannot even begin to think what it would be like to lose a child. It’s hard enough when it’s your Brother and Mother. I think your post is very well done and I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was the toughest thing for you to do. To relive that time, even if it has been 10 years, is not an easy thing.
I think you are going the right direction with the book. I would say write it first and then find out how to get it out to those who need it. It’s true, nobody wants to think about death but it’s a part of living and you have to be prepared. Sometimes having ‘lived’ through such a situation makes you the person that can make the most sense of it and also the one who can help others do the same.
Take it one step at a time and stay strong. I know you have the faith necessary to carry you through any trial you may have to face.
I can tell you I did the funeral proceedings for my Mother after she passed. No one else in the family seemed able to handle it. I was the one working major hours, with the busiest life, but I took charge. Somebody had too. Funny thing, I was also the youngest child of the sibs and normally it’s the oldest that handles such arrangements. But my older Sis locked herself away and wouldn’t talk to anybody, so I simply stepped in. I have also taken care of all the arrangements for my Father. When he passes everything is in place. Now I need to work on my own arrangements since I am pretty much the soul provider for myself. That shouldn’t be a problem. It’s a matter of contacting the right place and getting it down on paper. I think my Twin is set and my older sis won’t talk about it, so we will work around her. There is nothing to say that one of the remaining sisters won’t pass before she does. Only God knows that plan and I will do my best to be ready for that time
Be secure in your knowledge that you did everything you could at the time and you will continue to do so now. Warm hugs with lots of love thrown in, my friend….
Long time! How have you been? God bless, ~ Pete
“As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country.” Proverbs 25:25
First I want to say that the beautiful smile I see in your daughters face tells me she was loved and loved back. Even though she was so sick she smiles from the soul.
We can prepare for the financial responsibilities of our loved ones dieinng, plan memorials and all of that, but the pain and emptiness of them being gone, the dark coldness, of them not being there physically-well no amount of preparation can prepare anyone for that.It is an adjustment-we adjust to them not being there. Not easy and even when living without them becomes the norm-the pain on special days or when something reminds us of them, is just as sharpe and as deep as the day they got their wings.I think writing about your journey will help others who will be going through it.
@TrainTrack - This wasn’t for your eyes. Next time I will tell you in advance.
@ZSA_MD - I am flattered this moved you and apologize if it made you uncomfortable. To be honest, after a full night of sleep I was reluctant to come back to this post because I didn’t want to feel the sad again.
I could use the hug, thank you for your compassion. I thank you for reminding me that she still touches people, even if it’s only through my memories. That is inspiration for me to keep writing about her. She still lives through memories and how she touches others.
@NewDog2 - Thanks dog, sorry I choked you up. It was a tough reliving!
@PPhilip - You make a very real point, everybody’s grief is different. Some people may not want to relive their own pain reading mine, and they don’t have to. My writing would never be aimed to hurt them.
It’s funny the invincibility feelings that we can feel even in the face of terminal illness. I think that is what is unique and special about children and adults that have the same attitude. It is much better to live with than feelings of defeat.
@songoftheheart - Thank you for your encouragement, I hope you are right.
@SoullFire - Thank you. I have pondered that as well, and I agree. Even though her illness was a tragedy I thank God, gods, universe, whichever, that I had time to let her know how cherished she was.
@wretched_epiphany - I still keep in touch with Amber’s kindergarten friend, the one who loved her and was incapable of understanding what was happening. She still talks of her to this day.
You have the exact right idea. Hug those kids and hold them close. We get chances everyday to let people know how much we love them that we miss because we are distracted by life. I hope that despite what discomfort my post brought, you had the chance to not miss your opportunity today to remind your kids how much you love them.Thank you for your comments, compassion and encouragement.
@TheSutraDude - Thank you for your encouragement and your compassion. I will watch for your story this afternoon.
You are right, my belief was critical to her. I wonder if there is a way to still prepare on the inside and support and fight just as hard. It is a difficult situation.Thank you for commenting on her pictures, even though they aren’t the best quality I can look at them and hear her laugh, see her smile, I can even smell the cotton candy body spray she loved to spray on her clothes. Regardless of the quality, they are the most valuable images I have.
@MzSilver - Thank you for your compassion, I know that you sensed how difficult it was to relive. I hope to finish this book this summer, so you may see more than this for painful posting from me as I recall and relive the experience. Fair warning.
It doesn’t surprise me you were responsible for the arrangements for your family. You aren’t one to shirk any task or avoid any challenge. Your family is fortunate to have you as their pillar, I hope they realize it.I have to keep in mind writing this is like running a marathon. No matter what rushes me, I only have to put one foot in front of the other. No marathon is complete without blood and tears.
@Evangelist_Guy - Thank you Pete! I am doing well, and I hope you are as well.
@Grannys_Place - Thank you for the encouragement and recognizing the joy in her smile. She was always full of pure joy regardless of her circumstance, I try to follow her lead.
You are right about preparing, some things are easier to do than others. I just want to help other parents (or anyone) with relieving the pain of living again after death. I wish someone had told me that it is ok to make plans after death, it’s ok to laugh and love and that it doesn’t mean I was forgetting her to love my own life again. Learning to be alive was the most difficult challenge I have ever faced, and I wish someone could have told me that it’s not only ok to love life, it is required to honor her memory and keep her alive in my heart.
Write it.
It needs to be done, for others but especially for yourself.
I am in awe of your strength and courage.
There is no way to prepare for the death of a loved one. There’s no way. I’m sorry I’m only seeing this entry now, but here is a hug and a rec from me. I can’t fathom the loss of a child, but I know what it is to lose a member of your family. It’s horrible.
I lost my cousin, who I call my big brother, when I was 5 and he was 17. I miss him every day. Same with my father, who I lost at 19…burying a parent may be the natural order of things, but not at that age. Seeing pictures of your beautiful daughter reminds me of Kyle when he lost all his hair…he had what I call “peach fuzz” when he died…
I have found that they make themselves known. My father appears with a certain smell in the house.
Sending love your way.
and such a beautiful girl.
i was taught if i am leaving one job for another, though it’s tempting to slack off the final weeks of the job i’m leaving, it’s important to give it my all until i leave that job for the last time. i was told the attitude with which i leave will be the attitude with which i begin anew. it’s what we develop and carry with us be it in a job, a relationship or in life itself.
also hope is something we should never lose or never lose for long. when we give up hope despair fills the void. in fact our days are filled with hope. we hope the alarm goes off in the morning. we hope the car starts. you can make your own list. never doubt that you did the right thing by hoping and fighting with all you could. there’s that line from the film “Gladiator” — “What we do in life echoes throughout eternity”.
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to lose a child. I would definitely encourage you in your desire to write this book. From the perspective of a (soon to be) social worker, it would be a read I would be interested in. Even thinking to my car accident, and losing my friend… there were no resources.. I didn’t know how to deal with it. It’s something I still deal with.
@BoulderChristina - Life is a marathon all of it’s own, my precious friend. Remember your daughter in her good moments as well. Let that sweet warm wonderful smile flow over you and know deep inside she loves you and watches over you every day. You are never alone. Keeping you in thoughts and prayers, sweetness. ((((HUGS))))
It’s sad beyond my capacity for words. Was never a mom, I can’t pretend to imagine.
I can only say what I did as the spouse of a dying person. I devoted my time to just being with her- though there were things, like work, the household and being a father, that took away from that- quantitatively, but not qualitatively. She was a wife and mother to the end. The hardest part was helping her parents, who are octogenarians, deal with their having survived her. They are coming out of the darkness, now, thirteen months later.
There will always be guilt-mongers and ill-wishers, who deserve to be ignored. Most people feel empathy for us, and are glad to see that our son and I are moving on with our lives- he in the Navy, and I doing what Penny and I always liked to do together- even making new friends in the process.
I did go through grief counseling, last Spring, and it helped set the stage for this phase of my life. I am glad you are both honouring her life, and embracing your own. “I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.”
I’m so sorry for your loss of that beautiful girl. Writing the book would be helpful for many, but do it for yourself too. Blessings and hugs!
@Bricker59 - Thank you.
@lucylwrites - Thank you for your compassion
@CrazySwede - I am sorry for your loss, and thank you for your compassion.
@TheSutraDude - Thank you for that, those are great ideas and words to live by.
@eagerblue - Thank you, I know there isn’t much out there for the “after tragedy” encouragement, or maybe I just hadn’t found it. Thanks for your encouragement.
@DivaJyoti - Thank you
@BoulderChristina - I don’t deserve a thank you right now, I have not had the back bone to really digest and consume this blog yet. It’s not for lack of time and interest, it’s for how hard it’s going to be. I care about you and want to know you better and it’s a big part of your life, I will be giving it my complete attention when I’m in a stronger state of mind. I won’t forget. It’s important. I just want to pick a better time. Isn’t that sucky you had no choice in the timing whatsoever, yet I want to pick a time when I feel stronger before I can even manage to read it and really look at the pictures, but I just wanted to be forthcoming. I’ll be back.
@RighteousBruin - ”I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.”
- I am going to remember that, I have never heard that before, thank you.
@DivaJyoti - You’re such a sweetie, really. I wouldn’t digest it if I didn’t have to
. It’s been a tough few days, but I think I have an outline done, so it’s been helpful.
@BoulderChristina - I WANT to. I’ll be back.
You know, the hardest counseling sessions I ever held were those for people who had lost a child. (I was a counselor, among many many other mental health things, when I was in the USAF). I remember one case the most vividly, she felt so guilty. so so guilty, it took a while to get to that, her little boy died from lukemia, why did she feel guilty? It turned out she lost her favorite, the wrong boy died. She felt so guilty because, you know, supposedly parents aren’t supposed to have a decisive favorite, but I’ve observed that they often do and everybody knows it.
@BoulderChristina - you’re welcome. they are someone else’s thoughts i’ve taken to heart and put in my own words. good to share.
Wow, your daughter died exactly two years to the day after my mom died of cancer. FUCK CANCER!
Just stumbled on this, and wanted to offer my sympathies. Grief is such a personal thing, I don’t know that the bag of pamphlets would have been read by me, either. They mean well, I’m sure, but facing a loss so severe needs the love and support of family and friends above anything.
I’m sure she is an absolutely beautiful angel watching over you now. Sorry for your loss.
@heckels - That’s eerie! I agree, FUCK cancer! Sorry about your mom
@AgainstTheWind1 - Thank you so much, I am glad I had her, too.
@ShimmerBodyCream - Thank you.