April 10, 2013

  • The Day I Realized I am a Douchbag

    Lots of things have been happening lately, as most of you know. One of the big “growth opportunities” I have had was a chance to reflect on myself – I am coming to terms with the fact that I am, despite my best efforts, a douche.

    The illness my husband went through left him torn up mentally, perhaps more than physically. He is depressed beyond anything I have ever seen, and I am helpless to fix it. His depression isn’t the suffer sadly kind of depression, it is the hate the world (primarily your wife) type. His mantra has been “this isn’t about you”. In an attempt to support him and avoid the arrows he has been flinging, I have made a serious effort to not speak of me, or anything related to me. This is how I discovered that I am, indeed, a self absorbed DB. 

     

    I started cutting anything related to me, my plans, my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences out of conversations with my husband. Wow, nearly impossible. I have to literally zip my lips or leave the room when he shoots something terrible at me or I will say, “that isn’t nice. You are hurting my feelings”. My feelings. My judgement. Me all over that statement. I struggle even when things aren’t completely ugly, I want to say things like, “today I did this”, or “I am planning to do this”. Again, me all over those things, too.

    When I see other people outside of my marriage, all of my “me” shit starts exploding from my mouth before I even get in the door. It’s like I haven’t given “me” enough air and I have to let it out all at once with anyone who will stay in the room long enough to be on the receiving end. I decided to practice removing “me” from those conversations, too. Nearly impossible. So I started trying to speak about me as if I were a character in a story (that’s not self centered, right?) such as, “I am reading this book where the lady’s husband was taken over by aliens when he was in the hospital and he came back as a new man with plans to blow up the earth, starting with his wife”. That was an unsuccessful way to try to practice not being a douche. When I see my daughter and grand daughter, I have to bite my tongue until it nearly bleeds to not say things like, “When you were a baby I did this” or “When I had a c-section I felt this way”.

    I wonder if I am the only one who can’t speak without injecting myself into something. I worry that I am one of those people that constantly needs external validation to feel good about myself. I hope I am not lost in douchebag realm forever.

    Are any of you douchebags? Am I the only one?

Comments (74)

  • Self preservation isn’t the hallmark of a douchebag, it’s dishonesty, and pretending that his behavior isn’t hurtful is dishonest.  Patience is good, forgiveness is good, but telling lies to yourself don’t help anyone and neither does self-flagelation.  You deserve to be treated well, and eventually he will heal and remember that you patiently, lovingly stuck by him while he healed.  Don’t let him also remember that you encouraged his bad treatment of you.

  • @blonde_apocalypse - You know, I would have agreed with you before this experience. In fact, I think that’s exactly what I would tell myself. But I have talked to so many people whose advice was to just shield myself until he gets through this that I am trying that approach now. I don’t believe it’s his natural character to be cruel, and hopefully I can ride this out until the storm passes. If not, I will keep you all posted :) Thanks for standing up for me, it feels good to have somebody agree with me that mistreatment isn’t acceptable at any time.

  • @BoulderChristina - most people will tell you that self-sacrifice is the ultimate virtue, but I’ve observed it never leads to anything good, especially in relationships.  Also, I’ve observed that the people who preach self-sacrifice the most vehemently are by far the most dishonest about their own motives.  But patience, generosity and forgiveness are fine things, and that sounds like what you are trying to give him.  Try to remember that to be the most help to him, you have to take care of yourself, too.  Won’t do either of you any good for you to feel like shit about yourself.  Nothing good can come from that.

  • It’s nearly impossible not to inject ourselves into something, especially conversations with loved ones.  You, of all people, are clearly not a douchebag.  Putting oneself first from time to time does not fit the definition of douchebag.  Putting oneself first all the time with zero regard to those around you, THAT’S what makes one a douchebag.  Being there for your husband during his illness, and your child during childbirth and afterwords, certainly isn’t putting yourself first.  It also doesn’t mean they’re douchebags either, as they are entitled to put themselves first from time to time.  Honestly, from what I’ve seen, your biggest fault would probably be NOT putting yourself first.

  • I don’t think you’re a douchebag just because you talk about yourself and what you have going on. You would be a douchebag if that was all you cared about and weren’t interested in anyone else or how they were doing but this obviously is not the case. You’re feelings are valid, even if they are self-centered. You have been through a hell of a lot the past month, and it’s not an excuse that since it wasn’t you in the hospital bed that your feelings don’t matter, your stresses don’t matter. Yes, maybe they pale in comparison but they still matter.

  • @blonde_apocalypse - I do agree with what you said, I agree 100 percent. If this were something about our relationship, or part of his character, or a guilty side of him that I was just beginning to see I would classify it as unacceptable and change it or leave. This is none of those things, it’s more of a brain chemical imbalance that will get corrected and he will come back to himself. I am not trying to throw myself into the pyre, I am just trying to do the best I can until he gets through this. 

    I guess the post was more about how difficult it is to remove myself from my conversations. I remember this SNL skit I watched once where a woman had to top every story she heard with one involving herself that was cooler, or sadder, or more whatever than the person’s who was telling the story. That is what this little experiment reminds me of. When somebody talks, I tend to respond with a personal experience of my own, or an opinion on what they said, or something else related to me. I am not quite as bad as the lady in the skit, but that’s how I feel after a couple of weeks practicing trying to remove myself from conversations with other people. It’s been much tougher than I imagined!

  • yep youre the only douch to ever grace the earth :D lol … NOT  yes this is tough but the first law in helping others is not to get yourself hurt so badly you have two injured people in need of now twice the help :D   it is sad you may NOT be able to help as that always hurts but again, you can’t help if you get hurt your own self.  it just that way douchbag YOU or not. so if you must be one be a proud one with good reasons …  but do also remember there are times when you will be considered one or at the very least not thanked immediately for your efforts to help.  it’s been known to happen it’s probably the thing that hurts second worst.  this dual angle guilt/anger at being the bad guy when you did help you did try you do help you do try can f with your head – but keep that head and your spirits up as best you can – the enemy here is time  the very time needed to heel.  I wish you the best and that means peace love and hope.  so you may try or stay strong whatever it is your allowed to do.l

  • If that’s douchebaggery I’m the prototype of it. Not because it’s all about me, but because I want the other person to know that he or she is not alone and I really can relate: It’s safe to dump those troubles into my lap. We’ll get through this together. All those fucks I don’t ordinarily give? This is why I saved them. Well intended words are nice, but they’re of the greatest value when they come from someone whose empathy is informed by experience.

    Relationships that average out to 50:50 aren’t 50:50 all the time. Sometimes they’re 60:40 today, 40:60 tomorrow, and 99:1 next Thursday. Right now he needs 99:1 in his favor, but you need 75:25 in yours, and neither of you is wrong for it. His burden is greater than yours, but yours is by far greater than normal, not nil. Rock, hard place. Hard place, rock.

  • I’m a total douchebag! See? Just interjected myself. :D

    It takes incredible patience and maturity to do what you are doing, or you just love him that much. How painful, while you wait. hugs to you.

  • pretty much what heathen said.  here’s what i think.  he’s going through a hell of a time and he’s earned the right to be a little self-absorbed.  (or a lot) and you are an awesome wife for taking care of him that way. and secondly, you are the awesome sauciest listener, you have earned the right to be a little more “me-centered” than usual too.  i think it will even out in the future.  so vent all you gotta, here at least.  i suspect your irl friends would say the same.  we’re backing you up.  hugs to corey too.

  • @grim_truth - Thanks, Grim. I don’t really believe I am the most self centered person in the world, I just have recently discovered I am more self centered than I thought! And you are right – with people you see all the time and who know and love you, it’s very difficult to leave “me” out of conversations! 

  • @thegunslingergirl - Thanks :) Yes, they matter. I just need to detour how I deal with them in light of the new circumstances. 

  • @starmanjones - That does mess with your head, doesn’t it? Thanks, Starman!

  • @HappierHeathen - Thanks, HH. I love that you stockpile your “giving a fucks” for when they are the most necessary :) I am glad to be on the receiving end of them! I am learning to deal with my stuff in different ways, and eventually I will find the right way to deal with stuff. It’s been an eye opening experience to see how much I actually talk about me, empathetic and otherwise. 

  • @distractedbyzombies - Thanks :) You can interject yourself here anytime! I don’t know about maturity and patience, but I am definitely working on it.

  • @promisesunshine - Thanks, Sunshine. I will lean heavily on Xanga for all of my “me me me” needs so I can help him come back to normal. IRL helps, too. You know, I didn’t really think I was that stressed (ok, stressed, but not about my own BS) until I tried to change the way I talk. That’s when I noticed how many times I want to talk about me – and I think that’s when I started wondering how long I have been like this? Have I always been like this? Have I been a lifelong self centered child and nobody had the heart to tell me? That type of thing. It’s developed into a form of neurosis I think!

    Corey is getting better. The last couple of days he seems closer to normal than he has in weeks. I am not getting my hopes raised too high about the worst being over, but it’s been a welcome relief to see my husband back in his skin again.

  • i don’t think that now is the right time to work on such behavior (if it even exists, which i doubt.)  self-centered people are not genuinely liked the way that you are.

  • Hunny, you are not a douchebag, that is absurd.  I don’t think he is a very nice hubby, that is what I’m thinking.

  • @olwd - He’s not right now, but he usually is :) Thanks for sticking up for me though!

  • @promisesunshine - :) You are probably right, now is probably not the best time to make behavior changes. Other than when I am around him, anyway.

  • I am, as yall know a self centered, self absorved douche, egocentric and needy :P   see me, me, me *sigh*

    I try and make an effort not too but I fail largely at it, dunno way.

    *hugs*

    Hope he gets better soon and starts shifting to a more normal mood and you don’t get your feelings hurt… You’re one of the most selfless giving persons I know, don’t let the momentary mood affect your accurate perception of who you are.

  • I hope he isn’t like that all the time.  I wouldn’t put up with it.  Thank Gawd I have the right man.

  • I tell stories from my experience every chance I get, now that I’m an old geezer. But I’m less of a douche than I was when I was young and it was my nature to fling zingers at people.

  • a true douche would not be aware that they are that way……….so the fact that you are thinking that you are a self centered douche is contrary to a true douche!

    You’ve got a crazy, stressfull  situation going on ~ easy to get discouraged and have an odd (inaccurate) perception of reality.  Obviously everyone here on xanga is seeing what you are missing ~  you are an awesome lady with a lot of stuff going on!  Hang in there girlie!!

  • Christina, Christina, Christina… You ARE NOT a douchebag, sweetheart. No way in hell would that ever be the case!!!

    We ALL put in our ’2 cents worth’ using ourselves as an example (IE: my liver cysts – there I go, being a douche), but it’s usually to help put a little perspective in a conversation (IE: your cancer concern with Corey).

    Am I making any sense here?

    You have been through SO much this past month, but not once did I see you putting yourself first or being douchie (is that a word?) about anything. All I’ve seen is your HUGE heart worn on your sleeve while you weathered each little storm as it tried to blow you out to sea.

    Corey is going to be PISSED at the world as he tries to assembly all these health issues in his mind and he is going to take that frustration out on EVERYBODY in his way, with his wife being first on his list. Voice of experience (so douchie of me, I know)

    He is going through a grieving process of sorts & it will take time for it to smooth out. It will not be easy for you, because you feel like you are walking on eggs trying not to crush them & treading lightly under such circumstances is like playing with an atom bomb. All it takes is one word & you have absolutely NO clue what that word might be. **sigh…

    But you cannot let your own ‘humanity’ be on the side lines. You have a great sense of humor, you love life, you ADORE & LOVE Corey beyond belief & if it looks like the bomb is going to blow, you have to quietly bow out of the area & find a place to breathe in the peace & serenity that is required. You simply cannot allow it to become one sided or you actually will turn into a evil wicked DB!!!

    Going from the Energizer Bunny to the Walking Wounded is a HUGE step for anyone to deal with & it impacts the whole fam damily, unless you are alone (opps, there I go being a douche) & thank God, y’all have each other which makes it a whole hell of a lot easier even when it feels like it’s all coming at only you.

    Know ALL y’all are in my thoughts & prayers. It’s not going to be easy, but I know what kind of stuff you are made of, my dear & you’ll weather it like everything else in your life.

    OK… I should have given you a NOVEL alert, but it does get better & you can take that to the bank. Which reminds, I need to head that way. OH SNAP – being a douche again. Geez Louise…

    Sending warm gentle hugs your way. If you need someone to talk to, you have my number. I’m here G/F & from all the comments you aren’t alone.

    Take care, cuz I care, sweety.

  • Honey Girl he is being a brat and he is being childish…how do I know this for a fact I did the same damn thing after my diagnosis I totally took Jeff’s fear out of the equation…and Honey Girl we all reflect to our own experiences to be able to handle what others are going through…baby girl he is the one being a DB…  Jeff finally told me I was acting like a self centered bitch to just get over myself….give him a few more days and if he keeps it up stand up for yourself and tell him that he is going to be A ok and that you two are stuck with each other several more years,,,Love you bunches

  • Maybe his illness made him think about dying and he is trying to distance himself from you because the thought of leaving you when he loves you so much is making him strike out at you? Could just be he’s still dealing with a lot. Hard for you I know

  • I inject me into conversations. I think there’s a balance which at times gets tipped resulting in, though not intentionally, the negative consequence of rubbing the other party the wrong way. It’s a learning process I’m still in. 

    You’re not a douche bag. 

  • GAWD what’s wrong with y’all. I am proud of my douchiness. I wear it like it a badge. I waft my strawberry goodness wherever I go. I am even going to start a club for it. I’m not even going to discriminate, tea bags, garbage bags, plastic bags, and any other kind of bag will be allowed to joing.

  • If talking about yourself and your feelings, makes a person a douchebag, Xanga is one big douchebag city! I’m glad you have so much patience and self-control (injecting my feelings, it’s not to be helped) and as sick as he was, I daresay, he’s not a bad guy for being traumatized for awhile. I hope your life gets back to its normal, smooth (?) self soon!

  • I don’t know you very well, but you don’t sound like a douchebag from your post; you just sound kind of lonely, I guess?  And jump at the opportunity to vent when you can.  I think you probably need to talk to your husband and tell him his behavior is pretty terrible (cuz that’s what it sounds like).  

    Also – as long as you don’t monopolize EVERY conversation or try & change the subject to you / your life, you fall well below the requirements to meet “douchebag” (because other people need to vent too).  

  • I didn’t take realizing I was a “DB” very well either. 

  • @BoulderChristina - Posit: To some extent all of our talk is about ourselves.

    And that thing Ms. @promisesunshine said, especially the “awesome sauciest” thing. I’ve never heard it put that way before, but she done nailed it.

    Though it seems unlikely, if you find yourself in need of an ear and none are available you’ve got my number. We can take turns talking about ourselves.

  • I am sorry you are going through this. You are not a douchebag. It’s normal to want to share our own experiences, and not be snapped at. What else do we have to compare things to, good or bad? It’s natural. I’m sorry your husband is so depressed and that it’s affected your relations with him, and now made you think differently about yourself. I hope that he finds a way to get the help he needs to pull himself up, for both of your sakes. If it’s not you that he wants to talk through this, than perhaps a friend or professional. Depression hurts more than the person who has it, as you see. I hope you don’t get pulled down into it as well.

  • I think we all need validation for everything we do. In that case I am douch bag too, because I want constant attention. 

    But I am sorry for what you are going through with hubby. Frankly I would say, that it might be not a good environment to live, because it seems toxic. Lot of things happened to you, and you too have your own feelings, which your hubby has to understand. But coming from the hospital he must be feeling depressed. I would say if you can get a therapist to talk to him, it will be good. 

  • Don’t feel too bad, sadly I do the same thing. I am overly defensive and say “Hey, that’s mean!” to my sister but she can kind of be mean to me XD and treat me like I’m dumb… lol but then I can just choose to ignore her :D and all is well lol instead of making it a bigger deal.

    Don’t blame yourself. Everyone is a little selfish your husband should understand you to and you should understand him. It should be an open relationship where you both understand and love and respect each other MUTUALLY.

    I don’t think your a douche bag just because you talk about yourself. Who does not talk about themselves? A douche bag is a person who doesn’t care about whoever they are hurting and they are selfish. Seems to me like you care.

    There are two extremes: not caring about oneself and caring about oneself over others… You’re not a douche bag just because you love and respect your own opinions.. Your husband should respect you and you should respect him.

    So don’t think that following everyones little whim is right.. lol Just be you and he be him and you both accept each other

    which may be easier said than done? Maybe counseling and communication, talking with each other can work :D

  • Oh, sweetheart. You are so, so far from a douchebag. =/ It breaks my heart that you’re seeing yourself this way, no matter what caused such a shift.

    I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened, but please know you are the farthest thing from being this terrible, self-centered person you’re currently perceiving yourself as. {{{hugs}}} Also, please know my inbox is always open if you need some “ME” time.

  • You are NOT a douchbag!!! Please don’t beat yourself up! Please don’t believe your negative feelings! You are an amazing woman, wife, mom, friend…Just keep being you! Being a caregiver to someone who is ill, is THE toughest job in the world!

    You deserve to be treated well, with love, and gratefulness. But, he can’t give you these right now. I’m sure in his depression he is scared and angry and that is why he is acting like he is.

    Before this becomes a book-comment, I will end and send you a private message.

    Hang in there! You have support from all of us here. So vent to us and let us love you and let us build you up emotionally!!!

    HUGS!!!

  • I don’t think you’re alone at all. I know lots of people who are great at talking about themselves and terrible at listening to anyone. But, two things to keep in mind:

    1. you’re getting this criticism from someone who is going through a tough time physically and mentally, and so is understandably a little self-absorbed himself. So take what he says with a lump of salt and hopefully when he’s feeling better he’ll apologize for being hard on you and you’ll apologize and things will be awesome. :)

    2. Everyone is somewhat self-absorbed. I mean, why shouldn’t we be? If you don’t take care of yourself and worry about your own thoughts and feelings, who will? Certainly not the other self-absorbed people around us. :P

    I don’t think the answer to your problems is to never talk about yourself. Like you said, this leaves you with not so many conversation topics other than the weather or other people (and even then, how those people and the weather relate to you!). Certainly relationships benefit when you let other people talk and just listen, but if you never speak up yourself it’s kind of a one-sided conversation. Maybe you guys can work out a compromise where you speak about yourself and your feelings for a period of time and then focus on him the rest (at least while he’s recovering). Or try to find some time away from him.

    Or, just talk about yourself on Xanga. Lots of people use this place as an outlet to say things they can’t say in real life.

  • For what it’s worth I had some more thoughts on your question. Whatever we do or say, don’t do or don’t say is all based on our experience and is thus an expression of ourselves. At times it’s important to allow the “me” of someone we care about to take center stage. It’s sometimes valuable to be the listener. We all need listeners at points in our lives but even in being the listener we are being “me” as being a listener is and becomes a valuable part of our being. 

    I don’t know if that is helpful. In fact I’ll be happy if it makes sense. 

  • aww … NOT a douche bag. 

    illness, mental and physical, takes a greater toll on the lovers, loved ones, and care givers.  
    we see what we can not fix, and discover how fragile we are. in the long run, those mirrored weaknesses become distorted, like a fun house mirror.
    your love for him alone, bears testimony to a generosity of spirit. 

  • I’m so sorry you are going through this. I understand why you see it as you do, but please don’t forget that you are important too, and you don’t deserve cruelty. I hope, as you say, it’s just related to his illness and that he is back to himself soon. <3

  • There are PLENTY of douchebags (gawd I have always hated that word and hated it when my students used it and cautioned them to find another word of description as they have NO idea what they are really; nor do they know what a “scumbag” really is or “pissed off.” Anyway~ there are a lot of idiots (on Xanga and in the world) and I am sorry but I have never gotten even the remotest inkling that you were/are. You and hubby have had some tough times (and it doesnt appear you are near the end of a rocky road) but depressed people dont operate under “normal” schedules and rational. Try not to “cheer” them up as it doesnt work but knowing you love them and are there to help when they hold out their hand means so much. You are a stong, loving person and you can NOT be considered a douchebag please!

  • Wow, you are so hard on yourself and you don’t deserve to feel this way. Life is about our personal experiences and struggles and even though I have no idea what the situation is with your husband, he is being a complete self centred asshole. Depression affects everyone, not just himself. He is trying to make you feel guilty because he doesn’t want to deal with his issues. Please do not trick yourself into believing you are at fault because you are not. You have the right to experience things, just as he does. If he has to put you down because he is so miserable and hopeless, then you need to find someone who will enjoy life with you. Stay beautiful xx

  • @meddwl - Thanks :) You cracked me up with the first half of your comment – giggling is the best way to start the day!

  • @Roadkill_Spatula - The idea of you being a douche made me genuinely LOL. I have never seen you be douchy (yes that’s a word) to anybody.

  • @MzSilver - Ok, I get it :) You have many fine points, lady! Thanks also for the email – I will get back to you this evening if I can. You have been a fantastic friend, thanks for always keeping in touch with messages and phone – you have no idea how much they meant :)  

  • @SisterMae - You are such a sweetie :) That’s funny about you and Jeff – I guess I am just ill prepared for this situation. I have never been around anyone who became sick and then miserable from it. The people I have known get sick have been happier, more loving people. I think I am a little out of my area of expertise here! And I can’t imagine you being a bitch, but I guess we all can be, can’t we?

  • @Maggietx1 - It’s hard to tell at this point, isn’t it?

  • @TheSutraDude - I am a hypocrite. I guess when you (and others) share your stories, they are relevant and useful (just like @mzSilver said). I have never been annoyed by them or found them douchy. I think my experiment of trying to not talk about myself may have just exaggerated how often I find myself trying to, which made me feel like a self absorbed asshole.

  • @Erika_Steele - You crack me up! I will have to think of other types of bags I can invite to our douchebag club

  • @whyzat - He’s not a bad guy, he’s just a little weird lately. I think blogging and journalling are good ways to express ourselves without being douches. I mean, we can talk all we want about whatever we want and people choose whether or not they want to read it! That’s fair and very un douche like. ( I am getting creative with my douche words, it’s almost a game now!)

  • @Maggietx1 -  made a remarkable observation, in my experience people in pain and difficulty strike out at the people they care most for, when my dad was sick he was awful to Mom , one day she’d had about all she could take and asked him why he was so mean to her…Dad said ” because your the only one I have that understands”  it broke my heart but Mom did understand and she was fine after that…well, as fine as someone could be in that situation….hang in there…you can do this…your husband needs you.  

    We’re all douches…I Me My Mine You Yours…it’s the nature of man and beast

  • @crazygrampastuey - Thanks :) I didn’t realize how often I did that until I tried NOT to do that, hence my DB revelation!

  • @ImNotUglyIJustNeedLove - Sucks, doesn’t it? :) Nice to see you again.

  • @HappierHeathen - It isn’t unlikely at all! We can take turns talking about ourselves, I will bring a beer and we can chat away!

  • @Crystalinne - Thanks :) Remember that commercial about depression that has the dog unwalked and the entire house is quiet? That’s the stupid video that keeps running through my head. You are right, depression is a family disease, it leaves no member untouched.

  • @angys_coco - Thanks, Angy. I have always been motivated (at work, at school) by extrinsic things like praise and appreciation. I just wasn’t aware of how that transferred onto my personal relationships too. I hope I can learn how to be intrinsic focused rather than externally! 

  • @neverendingstardust - Sisters are another thing altogether, aren’t they? My sister was a real asshole when we were kids! 

  • @feyenigma - You are such a sweetheart – thank you

  • @adamswomanback - Thanks :) Also, thanks for the advice in the message, too. My Xanga friends have been the most helpful resource I have found, and I can’t tell you all enough how much I appreciate it. 

  • @leaflesstree - Thanks! I think I am relying heavily on Xanga, it’s great for me time because people here share and listen both! I may wait for my husband to return to himself before I risk it in the real world!

  • @TheSutraDude - I am going to ponder that one, because you are right. And if you are right, then I need to rethink my strategy and self expression practices. Self improvement, self awareness, all of that jazz is difficult and it’s tough to know if you are going in the right direction with the right information. At least it is for me. Thanks, SD :)  

  • @EmilyandAtticus - Thanks, Emily :) I hope he comes back to himself soon, too. Even if he’s a little changed, I just hope to recognize him soon.

  • @GoneRetired - You made me laugh! Douchebags, Asshats, other choice derogatory terms used to bug me too, until I used them around my teens. They were so appalled that their MOTHER would speak like that it used to delight me to pull those terms out on them! I was always the mom who corrected their grammar and told them smart was more important than pretty, so when I used their own terms around them they were disgusted.. The strange things that made me laugh when I was raising kids… Regarding the rest of your comment, you are right. Sticking by him is the most important thing, and I can honestly say this is the first time I have been tested like this with him. I don’t want to be somebody who pulls out when things get tough, but this situation is testing my resolve. I have never thought of myself as a quitter or a fair weather friend, but I have also never been one to tolerate mean people, either. I am a bit conflicted with my values right now, but hoping this is a temporary, bad place he is in is helping me hang tough. I worry that he won’t return to himself, and then I will be faced with another set of choices – ugly either way.

    Thanks so much for your input :)  

  • @nicolemcw - Situations like this are always tricky, aren’t they? It’s difficult to see clearly when you are in the midst of it all. 

  • @BoulderChristina - I was thinking it’s a blessing.  I mean now that we both know we are DB’s we can start a club.

  • @mlbncsga - That’s a very sweet and sad story – thank you. Let’s hope I have the stones to deal with this well! 

  • What… we all relate through ‘me’ and ‘i’ – right? totally natural. 

    My mother kills me though. You can’t say anything without her saying “i… blah blah”. However, she is lonesome and my dad is a terrible listener so she needs that ear =]

  • @mlbncsga - I know that because I took care of my Aunt and Mother  for a lot of years–My Aunt got that way —sent me home everyday in tears–till the nurse told me-”Your the only one she loves enough to let the hurt out on” So it still hurt but I understood

  • @BoulderChristina - hahaha – don’t you live in boulder 

  • Hey Christina,  Hang in there, your doing great. I dont very often speak out of my own personal experiences, unless I find it necessary. 
    Let me say, I agree with so many of the comments here and You are not alone. If speaking of personal experiences assists others in their journey to see a way clear then it brings clarity of choice. 

    It is tough going for the wife or partner to remain supportive.  But we do, depite all odds because we care and can love unconditionally. I married with a commitment, for better or worse.  If I was in danger, I would consider other options, although this is not the case.
    I’ve been going through what you have expressed for the past 6 yrs.  Although more of a physical nature is also effects his mental wellbeing and has suffered enormously off and on.
    Over 6 yrs my husband having had two back surgeries, ankle fusion and a knee replacement, so a variety of rods, screws and metal has become part of his anatomy.  Irrepairable nerve damage in his lower spinal column means contending with inconsistant pain in his legs. This means he is more often than not resticted to what he can achieve physically in a day. I took over much of the major tasks that he use to do.  He is restricted in his movement and cause for concern if has to bend down or kneel and finds it a challenge to stand or walk for prolonged periods.  
    Yes, I know what its like to be put down, criticised, and spoken to in not such a loving way as one might expect.

    I hear where your coming from and I empathize.  I love my husband so very much (34yrs) and I can happily say, despite what some may think, feel, say or do, this is not about them, its about ME and my approach to finding the balance, to support myself, raising my energy levels so that I can happily be of support to those I have the priviledge of connecting with.
    I am more towards being a quiet achiever.  Now, if I am asked what I do or have done, and someone appears genuinely interested, I find I could speak for hours on my own journey towards self discovery lol

    Each of us is 100% responsible for everything in our lives, the good and the bad.  We are in contro l. for we are the only thinkers in our minds.  Coming from a place of emotional intelligence makes all the difference to how we perceive our life to be lived.
    Life is grand and we are alive and living our journey as best we know how, and when we know better we will do better.  Love, approve and accept yourself. 
    Stop the name calling, you will get enough of that from you husband (fun).  Be kind to yourself, your at the beginning of your journey and exploring new avenues.  Have fun getting to know yourself lol 
      

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