February 24, 2013
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Alternative Marriage
The most common questions I get from people are about my marriage. I have posted about it several times before and most who follow me know I have an open style relationship with my husband. If our style of marriage needed a label, the label would be swingers.
I never realized this would be what I was most known for, but I don’t really mind. Swinging is a very small part of our life and marriage, yet I credit this experience as the reason we had to work so hard on our communication and clarification of our mutually shared values. If we never had playmates again, I would never regret our experiences. It has helped us become the couple we are.
In the interest of clarity with my messages about open marriages and swinging, I figured I would write a quick post about what swinging is not. I realize most people assume it is a hedonistic, selfish, lustful lifestyle very close to being a heroin addict looking for their next fix. Though that may be what some relationships move into swinging for, it is not what moved us. I am speaking only for Corey and myself, not for all swingers.
What it is not:
1. Selfish – The most common misunderstanding about being a swinger is that people believe this is a self indulgent sexual fantasy fulfillment avenue. As stated earlier, I am only speaking from my own experiences, but we have found this is not the case. It does serve to experiment and fulfill fantasies, yes. However, your fantasies are not all that matters. You must consider your spouse and what they want from the experience as well as the other person (or people) and what they want. If you think a relationship with two people is a lot of compromise, please realize that each additional person adds to the formula exponentially. This is never all about you.
2. A relationship supplement – If your house is not in order, throwing other people in the mix with tear your house down. Swinging is not a way to get a little extra sex because your partner doesn’t share the drive you do. This is also not a way to make your partner “appreciate you more” or realize how lucky they are. That attitude is a sure fire way to hit divorce court, or wish you could.
3. Self Esteem supplement – If you feel you need attention you aren’t getting from your relationship to feel good about yourself, this is not the way to go. You will get attention, yes. Just like in any new relationship though, if you are needing somebody else to make you feel better about yourself, you are setting yourself and the other person up for failure.
4. Easy – There is nothing easy about swinging. The work it takes between you and your partner to develop the trust and communication to add more people into your relationship is more work than many people ever invest in their marriage. Keeping other people’s feelings, values and needs in mind in addition to you and your partner’s feelings is a very delicate juggling act. Knowing when and how to draw boundaries while also ensuring you are being completely forthright and empathetic with your other relationships is emotionally very taxing. Remember, the people you bring into your life are not random, anonymous sex toys. They are real people with real feelings and deserve your respect, honesty and affection. If you use people for your own needs in any environment, people get hurt. When you add sex in to the equation, it is more likely to do damage.
This may sound like I am discouraging people from opening their marriage and exploring alternative lifestyles. I assure you this is not the case. I just realize there are so many ideas about swinging that simply aren’t true, and I know how devastating this can be for people who are not fully aware of what they are getting into.
Many marriages have a threesome just once, like a bucket list item. That’s commendable and I encourage every single person to explore what they like and don’t. Life is too short to wonder, “what if”. But if you are considering truly opening your marriage up and adding other people into your relationships, please do your homework. You will be surprised at what you find. The things you expect to be hard aren’t so hard, and the things you never thought to consider jump up and bite you in the ass.
”I don’t, for the record, have a Tweety Bird fetish.”
Comments (64)
I was concerned you had a tweety bird fetish, I am glad to hear it doesn’t exist.
@Thatslifekid - Ever since I spent time with that therapist, I haven’t given it another thought…errr.. fewer thoughts anyway
“I thought I saw a pussycat…” ^..^
@SheTigerCat - Now I can feel the familiar twitch return…
and i thought you just liked playground equipment…
small part sister – you’re well known for other abilities here on this xanga thing as well… and more kudos to those – than any judgement of anyone re: your life…
One has to be intensely grounded, in order to be in such a relationship. You and Corey are such ones.
It appears that so many people make assumptions about others with limited perspective on their reality. I guess we all fall into that trap at one time or another.
@xplorrn - You’re so sweet
I don’t ever feel like I am being judged for being a swinger, I feel like “swinging” is misunderstood. I don’t know, I guess I have seen so many people I care about crash and burn because they had the wrong idea about it that I want everybody considering it to know exactly what it entails! (Wow, I am even a mother hen in the bedroom realm, aren’t I?)
@RighteousBruin - Thanks, Gary
Grounded is the perfect word for it, thank you! It’s such a small part of our life but the most interesting part to so many people, I feel I need to be responsible with the message of what it is and what it isn’t. I would have trouble not feeling a sense of responsibility if somebody leapt into swinging after reading my post and had no idea what they were getting into.
@TheTheologiansCafe - I am guilty of that, myself.
i always learn something when you share about this.
I actually had no idea you were a swinger, lol.
I’ve been in an open relationship before, and what you just described it not being is perfect.
Interesting reading and forgeign to me. My life style is conservative.
I understand that many are in palomory (spelling) relationships are have tried it. Obviously, young people today seem to have sexual freedom unlike many generations in the past.
You have thought about it, tried it, and like it.
I wish you well.
I am taking the long view on the overall subject of sexual freedom which all enjoy now. I am not convinced that in the long run it will be to the benefit of al parties. I could be wrong.
Of course, marriage today is not doing well. lol I think about 50% divorce and remarry and the divorce rate for second and third marriages is even high if my understanding is correct.
Have a great new week.
I am dealing with Identity theft. Bummer.
frank
Something about “Tweety Bird Fetish” had me cracking up for 5 minutes straight!
As long as both of you are happy, that’s all that matters.
One thing I can always count on your posts, you’re honesty. That and you’re wacky sense of humor. Jumping to conclusions without a safety net is never a good idea…
This is a very enlightening post. I am lucky to count you as a friend, at least in part, because of how open and intelligent you are!!!
My partner and I are just starting to explore opening up our relationship to polyamory. So far we enjoy it and it’s brought us a lot closer because you absolutely HAVE to communicate in ways that you don’t have to when you’re monogamous. I agree, it really is hard but so far it seems worth the effort. Thanks for sharing! (haha lol punny)
@promisesunshine - It’s usually not in many school texts.
Also realize I am speaking for me and Corey. There are as many ways to handle this as there are people in the lifestyle. I am no expert, myself.
@firetyger - Seriously?!? That makes me feel pretty awesome, thanks!
@angelwingfive - Thanks! It’s so much easier to say what it is not than what it is, isn’t it?
@HUMOR_ME_NOW - I am not sure it is something that’s healthy for people in the long haul, either? Who knows?
I am sorry about that identity thief. Haven’t they stopped that jerk yet?
@angys_coco - Thanks, Angy
@Zoz36 - Honesty gets me nowhere! So glad you enjoyed it
@lonelywanderer2 - Ah, thank you! I feel the same about you!
@forever_musing - Your punny made me giggle
Good luck with your explorations – it seems you’ve already figured out the key is opening up and communicating!
@BohemianLotus - Hehe, now I think you may be on to me!
Sounds like a much healthier marriage than most.
@ShimmerBodyCream - Well, it works for us. We were also in our thirties when we were married and didn’t have kids together, so those things definitely come into play. Have you been on Reddit? I need to get over there so I can gossip…
@BoulderChristina - No, we got another fraudulent credit line opened up Saturday. It is also very frustrating and time consuming for many reasons. I do not wish this on anyone.
I really can’t relate as I believe in marriage as one man/one woman, but I find the perspective very unique and interesting. I could see a problem with jealousy. I know that even if I was open to the possibility of polyamory I think I would have some issues with my SO messing around/even just being intimate emotionally with someone else. I think it’s just the kind of person that I am. I’ve also kind of always wondered how a person can do an open relationship/marriage and be committed to the same person overall. I guess that’s where the extra communication comes in. But I basically agree with everyone else that said that if you guys can make it work, then that’s cool
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Ya know, that’s the one thing I don’t think when I think of you. I wonder more about how Salem’s doing than about that.
I once dated two best friends and it got right to the point that we’d put out the up-front money to move into a really amazing beach house… Everything was good until some folks with the unquestionable legal power to do so promised to foul my life up something fierce if I didn’t change course, and then I went insane for about a month. I wish I had learned something more valuable than that I’m FINE with little to no hope for redemption. Oh, and that it’s unwise to drink a fifth of mescal by yourself in under an hour.
I’ve known several who’ve failed miserably at the lifestyle you’re successful in, so I have to applaud the twos of yous.
Curious, I don’t know you as the alternative marriage guru. But more for those beautiful posts you put up, about your past, your daughter, and your life. Thanks for sharing such intimate parts of your soul.
I tend not to think about other peoples personal relationships….It’s all I can do to keep track of mine =/ however this was very informative and good advice, no matter what your choices are.
Not everyone has the same wants/needs, and I think that’s what this boils down to. That Xinq character on Datingish needs to fuck right on off. There’s no need for that kind of judgment. Relationships and/or sex lives one is not directly involved in is not any of one’s damn business.
I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you.
@secretbeerreporter - Everybody is different, no denying that. I wrote this post for the young lady that posted yesterday, and apparently Xing wrote hers for the same girl. I never get drawn into that type of thing, but I felt bad for yesterday’s poster who was being so obviously attacked. Meh, she probably won’t read it anyway. Thanks for chiming in
@mlbncsga - Exactly – our own relationships are enough work without chasing other people’s too! And thanks, the most common mistake I see people make is for the self esteem booster, and it doesn’t matter what type of relationship that is.
@ccrider17 - You are such a doll
@HappierHeathen - Haha, great story! And I should have mentioned that – the Salem part. Most people wonder about Salem, then they ask about my immoral marriage!
@XxrockxXxgirlxX - Thanks! It works for us now, it wouldn’t have ten years ago. I don’t know if it will ten years from now, but it is good for us now
@BoulderChristina - I guess I’m stuck with the live and let live mindset. It seems unusual enough to be workable, anyway.
The fetish has nothing to do with a bird … but just maybe it
… nope no sex talk
@BoulderChristina - Maybe I missed other posts where you talked about it? But yeah. Had no clue
I’m glad you share all of this so openly with us. thank you. you’re fortunate to have such a richly rewarding life.
Great points! I’m sure it requires a lot of intimacy and understanding. I think it’s wonderful you have taken a role as an educator on this issue. Though I bet most folks know you more for your kind and giving personality.
props for this.
You are so well rounded in your understanding of the word marriage. Your explanation is so open and educational. I loved reading this, and I hope you don’t ever get snide remarks about the openness of your marriage. Kudos to you love.
I’m going to take this opportunity to come out of the closet….I like Tweety Bird. I think I see pooty cats too and I am proud!
As long as things are consensual and desired by both or all parties all is good. No need to apologize to anyone.
I know little about swinging or open marriage but I do know that this is but a small part of who you are.
You are a very fair minded and very accepting of others and you have a big, caring heart.
You have walked through more than most people here on Xanga could even dream of surviving, and you have done so with grace and class.
You show kindness to all and even to those who attack you, you show caring in your responses.
You my friend, are a lady, 100%
wow this is an eye opener for me… i guess i still live in a culture that is not as open-minded… still this is one concept of marriage that’s not so bad at all… perhaps this would help prevent divorce and other marriage problems…
It’s a shame more people aren’t so open-minded when it comes to things that are out of their realm of normal. Thank you for posting this.
@Grannys_Place - This brought tears to my eyes, thank you so much for your kind words.
@chronic_masticator - Thank you for swinging by and supporting me. It is hard for people to be open minded to things they don’t understand, I just don’t understand why people don’t investigate them before they tear them apart? It seems strange that such intelligent, progressive creatures as we are often times have less curiosity than a cow grazing. Even the cow will check the new thing out before it runs off bawling!
@tribong_upos - It’s not widely accepted in any culture, there is a lot of taboo because, historically, people have run cults with polygamy and married children and people against their will. Other people have used open marriage as an excuse to betray their spouse (which is NOT an open marriage) or to hurt other people. That’s why I feel like it’s so important that people who participate in this lifestyle responsibly need to educate people about it, rather than the news stories and horror stories being the only voice for open marriages.
@trunthepaige - Nice work! Now, if only I possessed that kind of discipline!
@firetyger - I wrote a few, but since it’s a small part of my life it’s also a small part of my writing
It’s also what gets a lot of questions, so maybe I should write about it more. Most people do not have open marriage, nor would they want one. They are simply curious about something different and I have been super fortunate to be surrounded by people who support me regardless of their opinions about marriage. I assumed you knew too, because you are one of those people who live and let live without judgment.
@plantinthewindow - John, thanks for saying it’s richly rewarding. Most people think, “WTF is wrong with you?!? You people are crazy!!”
I am lucky to have a lot of opportunities to explore new things, and open marriage, just like anything else, is just part of exploration. There may come a day when we don’t want to mess with other people because we are too busy exploring other things, but it won’t be because we felt it was wrong. I went off on a tangent here, didn’t I?
@distractedbyzombies - Thank you
You are right, most people love me for me, not my wacky lifestyle. I wasn’t insulted when I said that I am known for this, I was just surprised. I saw an article written by a young woman needing help, and a few of my favorite people referred her to me. I was flattered.
The communication is constant, and not always easy. I have to be able to accept how he is feeling even if it doesn’t make sense. I have to accept it because he is my partner and that is how he feels. He has to be able to tell me how he’s feeling, even when it doesn’t make sense. This is very hard for a man, men like to be logical. The same is true the opposite way. I have to tell him if I am not OK with something I was ok with yesterday, and let him know I don’t always know why. Accepting feelings without reason is hard for everybody, but without knowing that they will be accepted no matter what, you can’t proceed in a safe environment.
@meetmeunderthestars - Thanks, and it’s a pleasure to meet you again!
@ZSA_MD - I don’t know if I am well rounded in my idea about marriage, I just know this is what works for us. I know many people it would definitely NOT work for.
I don’t mind criticism, I expect it. If everybody were the same and held the same ideas, the world would be a dull place. I also never learned anything from anybody who told me I was right all the time, sometimes a little (healthy) debate is good for me to explore other options, ideas and people. It takes all types of people to make the world go round!Thank you for being so loving and supportive of me – you are a true gift.
@TheSutraDude - Tweety lovers unite!
We at Table 54 applaud your openness. It’s refreshing to hear someone in an open relationship describe it like it is. You have destroyed the stereotypes most people have concerning alternate relationship. You’ve made your lifestyle human for us, that is human in a sense that any of us could be in your place if life hadn’t painted a false picture that things sexual are better left in the closet like the boogeymen we were told they are. If more Americans (especially at our age which is over 60) could be more open to speak about sexual matters the whole width and girth of the subject would be much more understandable and much less a mystery shrouded in guilt and blame all the way around. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
-Y
@Table54 - Thank you, and a pleasure to meet you! There are many over 60 at the events we visit, this isn’t a member’s only club. (OK, it is, but it is easy to be a member.)
Sometimes people get an idea about a lifestyle that’s new to them via media – and it’s the wrong message. I just hope that people gather from my posts that it isn’t a dirty, shameful thing. Thanks so much for the friend add!